The end of a year

As 2012 comes to a close, I feel as though it is mandatory to take a look back and reflect on the good and bad of this year. There were plenty of "bad" but, there was also plenty of "good" as well. Let's take a walk down the 2012 memory lane, shall we?!?!?!?

I should have known on New Year's Eve last year that we were in for a rough 2012 when my husband fell down the stairs twisting his ankle bad enough that we had to go to the emergency room on January 1, 2012. And no, he was not drunk! He was gracefully (!!!) walking down the stairs to put our steaks on the grill. He may have twisted his ankle, but he made sure the steaks did not fall of the plate! We mistakenly thought that this was going to be our big "well that sucks" moment of the year! Ha! Little did we know!

In February, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The following months were filled with one doctor's appointment after another after another after another...you get the point. Surgery and chemotherapy and filling up my fake boobs. It was a lot to handle, but I kept a brave face, if only to keep those around me from getting too emotional about it. I will admit, that to some I probably didn't take my diagnosis as seriously as I should have, but whenever I am faced with something stressful, I usually make a joke out of it. It's how I deal with things. You should know that whenever I was alone, I usually completely lost it. Very rarely did I lose it in front of people because I didn't want them to feel sorry or scared for me. And I didn't want them to cry either. I pretty much lost it in the shower or whenever I was in the car alone. There were many times when I would show up to work with tear streaked cheeks and red eyes. 

Then this past fall, my last surviving grandparent passed away. I have many fond memories of my grandma (my mom's mom). I can still remember the homemade birthday cake that she would make for me every year, her yelling at us grandkids to "stop wrastlin", and getting in trouble for letting their dog in the house during snowy winters. She made homemade Christmas cookies and pajamas. During the summer, we would go shopping at "Walmarts" and "kmarts" (not sure why, but her and my grandpa always put an "s" on the end). I remember going to the farm and picking blackberries and raspberries, riding the ponies, and picking vegetables out of the garden. I was sad when she passed away, but glad that she was no longer in pain and suffering.

Another bad thing...I had to work on my birthday! I know, I know, most of you work on your birthdays. But, with my birthday on Christmas Eve, I am spoiled in that I have never in my entire life had to work on my birthday. I guess that's what I get for working in the "real" world instead of where I used to work...at our state capitol where they get 2 weeks off at Christmas every year. Bah humbug.

Ok, enough of the bad. Let's talk about some of the good stuff that happened this year...

My breast cancer diagnosis. Wait, what? Being diagnosed with breast cancer was a good thing because that meant it was caught before it got to the point where I would be talking about how long I had to live instead of how crappy it is to take Tamoxifen. So, that's a good thing! Also, I was able to hang out with my mom a lot during my recovery from my surgery and after my second chemo treatment. In that time, I proudly realized that I am becoming my mom! Even though I spent a lot of time sleeping, we still found the time to gossip and over analyze anything and everything going on in the world around us! Two peas in a pod!

July 5 was my last chemo treatment. That is a good thing! No explanation needed on that one!

Towards the end of July, Omar and I went to Playa del Carmen for a little R&R. When 2012 began, we set a few goals for ourselves and going on an adults-only, all-inclusive vacation was on the top of the list! We had already booked our vacation before my diagnosis and were told by my doctors to cancel the trip just in case. We weren't even planning on rescheduling the trip this year, but on July 3, I decided to hell with it, we are going! So before I went in for my last chemo, I had already traded our time-share for Secrets Silversands Resort (awesome resort!) and booked our flights! We had an amazing time! We had the best room in the resort! It was a swim-out ocean view...and it was soo cool!

Then in November, through a year of saving and the generosity of others, Omar and I were able to purchase our second home. This means we are also landlords since we didn't sell our townhome! We now live down in Elk Grove. It's about 16 miles south of Sacramento. I get to take LightRail to work, which I love! Hellooooo, people watching is awesome on LightRail! And it is about 25 minutes closer for Omar to his teaching job in Antioch. We love the house. It has a huge back yard that we haven't really been able to enjoy yet since it has been raining a lot. It has hard wood floors which when you reach the top of the stairs, they squeak and remind me of my grandparents house!

We will be celebrating at our house this evening with friends and toasting East Coast's new year arrival so that the children can be a part of the festivities - cookie decorating and sparkling grape juice! I hope that you all have a safe New Year's Eve and a new year that is filled with laughter, love and good health!

So, let's raise a glass to 2012 and bid it farewell!

Oh hell no...

A new study came out in the New England Journal of Medicine this past week arguing that mammograms cause an over-diagnosis of breast cancer. Excuse me...what?  Are you kidding me? Click the link below to read the article.

http://www.latimes.com/health/la-sci-breast-cancer-screening-20121122,0,6613438.story

I am going to take a wild guess here and say that 1) the people doing to study are guys and 2) they have never know anyone close to them who was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Cancer is cancer no matter what stage it is found and treated. If I had gone in and had my radiologist tell me "Well, it's a small tumor and it may or may not turn out to grow into cancer" I would have still told them to get it the hell out of me. I am not going to take a chance with my life on a "may or may not" discussion about cancer. I'm pretty sure 100% of women/men who have that conversation with their radiologist would not want to take a chance on their life. If my tumor would have been found through an early mammogram, that would have meant I could have kept my boobs, not had chemo and not be on medicine and shots for 5 years. Um, yeah, I am pretty sure that would have been a good thing.

Man, I am one ticked off chick today.

Parenthood

I recently got into watching this season's episodes of the NBC TV show Parenthood. Omar and i first started watching it when it came out a couple of season's ago but never kept up with the show. This season I became interested in it because one of the main characters was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I wanted to see how a TV show portrayed this and if it came close to reality.

It does.

Now the character isn't quite like me. She is a bit older than me (she has a daughter in college but also a young baby), her cancer is 1.2 cm (mine was larger, I think around 3 cm), she has a lumpectomy (I had a double mastectomy) but the feelings, emotions and worries are all the same. If you want to know what it has been like for Omar and I please watch the show. You have a look inside what our life has been like over the past few months. 

I don't know how this season ends. We just watched the episode where she has surgery and finds out about chemo. But, I hope her journey goes as well as mine did.

What to watch on election night...

It's election day! Do you know what you will be watching tonight as the election returns start rolling in? Let me tell you what I will be watching...my son opening his birthday presents! That's right, my son's birthday happens to fall on election day 2012!

Three years ago my son was born. He is the light that brightens my day. He is the reason I have more gray hair now than before. He is the reason I laugh so hard I almost pee in my pants! And most importantly, he fills my heart with more love than I could have ever imagined.

So as you are watching the election day results on tv tonight, I will be watching my son open birthday presents!

Of course, once he is in bed the tv will come on! I mean, really, I am a political junky!

We Support the Fight

My son's daycare had a big surprise in store for me for breast cancer awareness month...and I can honestly say I had no idea!

When we got the calendar describing what was happening during the month of October at my son's school, I noticed that they were having a "wear pink" day. The principal, teachers, and staff at little o's school have been so supportive of me during my fight, so even though it surprised me to see the "wear pink" day, it didn't surprise me too much! Does that make sense? Anyways, I was on the hunt for a pink shirt for little o for the day. I couldn't find a pink shirt, but I did find some great iron on pink ribbons. So for "wear pink" day little o had a white t-shirt with pink ribbons and, of course, he absolutely REFUSED to wear his shirt. I told him flat out that this is the one day I was not going to let him get his way since I was pretty sure everyone was expecting him to wear pink! He hated that shirt. I found out why a few days later.

Earlier in the month, the teachers sent a letter home with each student explaining why they wanted to kids to wear pink - a student's mom had been fighting breast cancer and they wanted to do something special for her. As a class project, little o's classmates made me a sign and t-shirt with their hand prints in pink! The teachers made little o a pink tie and a t-shirt that looked similar to the one I had made him. His teachers told me that he hated their shirt too which explains why he didn't like mine either! He did, however, love the tie! They took pictures of each child putting their hand print on my t-shirt, a group picture with everyone wearing pink, and an individual picture of just little o in his pink tie.

I had no idea they were doing this for me. I was overwhelmed just seeing the staff, teachers, and kids in school (not just little o's class) wearing pink and the school decorated in pink ribbons! Then to add his class project on top of it was just too overwhelming for me. It brings tears to my eyes now just thinking about it. That was a very, very special day for me. One that I will remember forever.

Here is a picture of little o with is pink tie. Isn't he the cutest!

Update

I haven't posted in a really, really long time and i apologize for that since I am sooo sure you all want to know what's happening with me!!!!! Ha!

Well, here you go....hot flashes suck, big time. That's about it.  Really. 

No, not really. But in terms of my health, everything seems to be doing pretty good. I am adjusting to the meds well. Hot flashes have to be the most horrible part. And i am used to hot flashes since I have had them since I was 20 years old. But these ones are a bit different and they make my ears turn bright red which are hard to hide since my hair isn't long enough yet!

Let's see, what else....oh, it's October which means breast cancer awareness month. Pink ribbons are everywhere! Two Saturdays ago while we were checking out at the grocery store, little o noticed a jar with a pink ribbon on it. He pointed at it and said, "hey mom, that is for you!" I have no idea how he made the connection between the pink ribbon and me since we havent told him anything about it and we don't really have pink stuff around the house. But he is a smart kid and very,very observant.  Then he reached over and picked up the can with the pink ribbon that had loose change in it and tried to give it to me! I told him that it wasn't specifically for me but for other girls too. He didn't understand that at all!

I will post some more soon...but really, not much going on except hot flashes...and, how could I forget....boob fill ups! Those are going great too! Big boobs here I come!

:-)

Hair again!

My hair is finally growing back! My eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back too! I am starting to really dig my short hair. I spend a whole minute brushing and parting my hair in the morning ... it's awesome! 

Visit number two...

Every 4 weeks I visit my oncologist just to check in and make sure my meds are treating me OK (they haven't been, but that is a whole different story that you don't want to hear about...trust me). After the appointment with my doctor, I then have my shot, or should I say capsule, shoved into my belly. The capsule then disolves over the next 4 weeks ensuring my ovaries don't work and i don't produce estrogen. All of this isn't too big of a deal.  What gets me sad and a bit teary eyed is that I thought when i was done with chemo I would never have to step foot in the room where chemo is administered.  Not so much. It's a nice room and all, but i don't really have found memories of it.  So, much to my dismay, I have to step foot into that room every 4 weeks for the next 3-5 years.  Awesome. I am not sure I will ever get used to the feeling of walking into the chemo room. I guess I should buy a super size pack of Kleenexes.

On the plus side, I did lose 3 pounds between my last appointment and today's appointment. That's a positive, right?

let the hot flasshes begin!

so today is the first day for me to take tamoxifen.  i kept putting it off this morning because i just didn't want to accept the fact that i will be going through menopause at the ripe old age ofn 33.  i sarcastically asked omar to remind me again why exactly i have to do this.  he said, because you want to live.  my response? oh yeah.

yesterday i went for my first fill up since early may.  i now have a nice size a!  i was soo excited....shoot, i still am!  i keep looking at myself sideways admiring them!

then i went to get my first shot to supress my ovaries.  i had no idea what to expect.  first, i thought i would never have to set foot into the chemo ward ever again.  wrong.  i will be going there every 4 weeks for the next 3 years.  i cried.  anyways, next the nurse told me that she would shot some novacaine into my belly to numb it up before shooting the capsule into my belly.  ummmmm, what!  you mean it's not a shot?!?!  this just gets better and better.  then i asked her, sarcastically, if this medicine would make me loose 20
lbs (i have gained 10lbs during chemo! but i think 3 of those are from cancun last week!). anyways, she looked at me like i was crazy. clearly she didn't understand my great since of humor and sarcasm!  so she sticks me with novacaine and that hurt.  then the new nurse who had never done the procedure before starts in on me with the capsule of hormones.  it didn't hurt, thank you novacaine, but it was still weird.  i was told i might be able to feel the capsule under my skin, but i haven't tried to feel around for it yet!  i had some serious cramping after that. it fely like contractions. i came home and went right to bed.

awesome!

I've never met anyone like you!

So, on wednesday I had to go to the psych ward (!) to get some medicine changed before I start taking my tamoxifen in August.  First was an appointment with a therapist, then an appointment with a doctor.  I had to fill out all kinds of paperwork asking me all kinds of questions ranging from head injuries to alcohol abuse.  The therapist called my name and we walked to her office. We talked for a minute and then she asked about my diagnosis. Of course, I launch into the whole story.  After, she looked at me and said, "I have never met anyone like you who has been your age with breast cancer and who had such a positive attitude, and laughed as much as you! That is remarkable."  Well, duh!  :-) 

Wham bam, thank you ma'am!

These are pics from right after my last shot tonight, july 13th!!! What exactly does that mean, you ask?  It means that I am 100% through with chemo! I did a happy dance after my last shot! Then we opened some champagne! Yipee!!!!!

The first pic is me pointing at my last band-aid covering my shot puncture wound!  The other two are celebratory pics!!!

I am a survivor...

I am not 100% sure when I can consider myself a breast cancer survivor, but for right now, I am a chemo survivor!!!! Woot, woot!

I had my final chemo treatment last Thursday, the day after 4th of July! I have thought a lot about how I feel about the end of this chapter of my journey. Obviously, it is great to be done with chemo. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, even my worst enemy. It sucked. Not much more I can say about it than that. But, it is also weird that it is all over.

My journey began just over six months ago and all I can say is, where has the time gone. It is hard to believe that in the past 6 months I have had the pleasure of enduring the following:

20 shots
18 doctors visits
14 pokes to find a vein for IV's
7 blood draws
4 chemo treatments
4 tissue expander fill-ups
3 ultrasounds
2 mammograms
1 MRI
1 Biopsy
1 surgery

 And a partridge in a pear tree.... :0) And chemo brain that makes me wonder how I even remember my own name! All kidding aside, its been a long journey so far. With chemo finished, I now move on to the next chapter in this journey - hormone therapy. Since my cancer was estrogen positive, I have to cut off all estrogen in my body. For the next five years, I will receive a monthly shot to suppress my ovaries and a daily dose of tamoxifen. My oncologist thinks this is the best route to go even though there aren't many studies regarding this treatment, or any other treatment, in women under the age of 35. Why, you ask?  Because people like me are few and far between. Breast cancer in my age group isn't common so the studies on treatment options just aren't out there...yet. Tamoxifen is the standard treatment in women who haven't reached menopause.  Adding the shot to the tamoxifen is to make sure my ovaries shut down and don't produce estrogen.   From what I hear, the shot and tamoxifen will put me into menopause.  Awesome.  I am sure I will have many blog posts on how awesome this is going to be! 

On a more positive note, in August, I will start my weekly trip to the plastic surgeon for tissue expander fill ups!  Hello boobies!!!!

Beyond words...

This past Friday my Aunt Jan (she is married to my dad's brother) sent me the email below. She has found a very inspiring way to join me in my journey. I am continually amazed at the outpouring of love and support from my friends and family, but I have to say, what my Aunt Jan has done is beyond words! I wanted to share with you her words of joy, sorrow, and encouragement because she has gone through the exact emotions I have in losing my hair and puts it into words much better I can. She is a beautiful person inside and out. And I have to say, she rocks the short hair! Enjoy!

 

 

Dear Sweet Melissa, I must tell you I have felt totally and miserably helpless and useless in your cancer treatment.  I am halfway across the country, I work 10 hrs a day, I can barely check my email at home every few days and seldom write anyone.  I read your blog and feel so many emotions about you and for you (and I always think you are entitled to have pity parties).  I try to imagine what it must be like to have such an assault upon one's body and womanhood.  I am an empathic person by nature I think, and I had childhood surgeries on my face that left me feeling mutilated and like I was gradually being cut away.  In that sense I kind of "get it", but really no one can truly know what it feels like to have breasts cut off, to suffer from chemo injected into one's body, and to face so many losses of significant proportion unless they have been there. 

 

 I have wanted very much to relate to your experience in some real way.  I wracked my brain, and the only thing I could come up with was "hair".  I know it was very hard for you to lose your hair, and I think you were so brave and fierce to take the razor to it before it fell out and to make something good of it for breast cancer charity.  As you may or may not know, I thought you have never looked more beautiful than in the picture you sent of yourself with buzzed hair and no makeup.  You looked pure and clean and like a woman warrior.  I then thought to myself I think she looks beautiful but how would I feel with very little hair?  That is when I started my experiment.  My hair was about chin length, roughly all one length.  I started going every few weeks to get it cut shorter each time to see if I would feel beautiful or if I would feel somehow less womanly, less attractive, more vulnerable.  What an interesting experiment it has turned out to be!  I found I have had all kinds of feelings, most of them uncomfortable, some of them freeing.  Each time I got it shorter, there was this pattern I'd go through of first feeling almost panicked, like I hate this, it's ugly, what will Tom think, what will my friends and co-workers think; I'd run home and wash it again and work with it trying to get it to look good; I'd finally give up, go to bed, arrive at work self-conscious the next day, and mainly deal with people looking but saying nothing, which to me, of course, meant they hated it.  I was amazed that I could feel so insecure at the age of 63.  Then I'd gradually get used to it, think about it less, and begin to accept it.  I did notice though that I was much more aware of trying to be feminine in other ways, like wearing more jewelry, buying ruffled shirts, etc.  The same sequence has happened with each haircut, although I have increasingly felt less tied to my looks and to hair in general.  It is freeing, because it is so easy to style and feels very light in the wind. I'm also getting a little more confident, like screw 'em if they don't like it.  I am sending you pictures from my last haircut which I had this afternoon after work.  My hair is now about 1 and a half to 2 inches long all over my head.  I'd like to say I feel pixie-ish and cute like an old Michelle Williams but the feeling is more Jamie Lee Curtis.  I have had some of that same initial thing tonight of it's ugly, I'm ugly, etc. but I am also beginning to feel a little like I saw you in your picture, stripped clean, nothing to hide, just who I am at the age I am, without flourish.  I will probably not go shorter, as the next level would be a buzz, and I'm not sure I could promise to hold it at that length until you catch up.  If nothing else, in addition to my own struggle, my patients might struggle.  They have already been saying what are you doing to your hair, have you done something ELSE to your hair?!  At any rate, here I am in these pictures with no make-up and less hair than I 've ever had.  You get to see it from towel to wet to "styled".   I haven't had your journey with losing hair, but I've had a journey with losing hair and have experienced all kinds of strange discomfort and weird emotions that I couldn't have predicted, so I think I "get it" a little better now.  I do know that even if someone says to me "I really like your hair" as only one person has done, I feel happy but somehow uncomforted and still left with the court of my own opinion, and that decision is mixed.  Here I will stay, working at redefining a sense of my beauty or lack of until your hair is as long as mine.  This probably means that after chemo, and after hair begins to sprout, it will take you about 3-4 mos to match me.  I am waiting on you, girl. I love you, and you are amazing.  Aunt Jan

My beautiful Aunt Jan sharing in my short hair journey!

Well this just sucks...

Yes, I am having one of those days.  A day in which I am feeling sorry for myself.  These days are few and far between, but when I have them, boy do they suck.  I woke up this morning feeling grumpy...like Grumpy in the Seven Drarfs or Grumpy Bear from the Care Bears.  I warned my co-workers that I just wasn't in the best of moods today.  They understood since I did have my third chemo treatment last week and chemo usually makes me feel like an emotional roller coaster.  But today for some reason was uber-bad.

I got to thinking about how unfair it is that I have breast cancer.  Yes, I know it could be a whole lot worse.  And yes, I know, life isn't fair.  Blah, blah, blah. 

I lost my boobs because of breast cancer.
I lost my hair because of breast cancer.
I lost my fertility because of breast cancer.
I lost my body because of breast cancer (gaining weight, menopause).
I lost my self-esteem because of breast cancer.
And on days like today, I lost my mental and emotional happiness that has carried me through all of this.

It's been six months since I found my lump in my boob.  I have only felt sorry for myself a handful of times.  So, please excuse me, my "pitty party table of one" is being called. 

A funny thing happened....

A funny thing happened on my way home tonight, other then randomly seeing my bff lindz... I was walking down the street in downtown Sacramento and i noticed these three young guys coming towards me. One of them said to me "I am totally down with that! My mom had that too." It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about and then I realized he was pointing at my pink ribbon pin on my shirt.  He started to grab my hand and said " can I kiss your hand?"  Uh, sure. Then he gave me a huge hug and said " you stay strong girl!  You stay strong!"  This guy made my day!

What's funny is I had just been thinking earlier in the day about peoples reactions to seeing me on the street.  Some people full on stare at me quizically.  Some people stare but quickly look away only to try and sneak another look.  And on very rare occasions someone looks at me with an understanding small smile on their face.  I like those people.  It's amazing what a smile from a complete stranger will do to a person!

I know people are just curious about me and i understand that now.  When you look at me you wouldn't think cancer patient or chemo patient.  At first it hurt and i would often have to fight back the tears, but now that I have gotten used to the curious looks, it's not too big of a deal.  But that guy tonight brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eyes.  He had the courage to walk up to me, a total stranger, and say his words of encouragement.  I think he will stick in my mind forever.

Maybe Someday...

To all the women who participate in breast cancer drug trials, I thank you.  Because of you, new advancements in the treatment of breast cancer will soon be available to help the newly diagnosed live longer lives.  And maybe, just maybe, someday, breast cancer will be a thing of the past.

Double click on the links below to learn more...

Study: 'Smart bomb' drug attacks breast cancer

 FDA to let women try new breast drugs earlier

Zombieland

I have decided to call the days after my chemo treatments zombieland.  Why, you ask?  That is exactly how I feel ... like a zombie! 

Omar and i really got into the show "walking dead" on amc.  He started watching it and then, since we only had one TV at the time, I ended up watching it by default.  And much to my surprise, I really liked it!  It is an awesome show.  Yes, its about zombies, blah, blah, blah, but it actually has a really good story line outside of the zombies.  Anyways, I decided last night that I feel like a zombie from that show after I have my chemo treatments.  I feel like I look like the zombies.  And i am pretty sure that if the zombies could feel anything, they would feel like I do after chemo!

I wonder if the producers of the show would hire me as a zombie extra?  I am available, but only for a short period of time since I only have 2 more opportunities to enter zombieland!

Chemo round two

Chemo round two is taking its toll on me. I am not too nauseous but I am definitely super tired. Even keeping my eyes open takes energy!  But, thankfully my mom is here to take care of me and my family. It's always nice to hang out with my mom! 

It's Raining hair...hallelujah! It's raining hair!

It's raining hair...hallelujah ...oh, wait...I probably shouldn't be singing hallelujah on that one, but that is the song I thought of when i started to notice my hair rainimg down!
So, just over a week ago I buzzed my hair. On Monday, I went to work rockin' the buzz cut thinking it wouldn't be that big of deal. While my coworkers weren't bothered by it since they know what is going on, boy was I wrong about everyone else.  Everyday I go walking around the capitol during my lunch hour. I went out without a hat or cover and people couldn't stop staring.  I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking.  I ended up in tears by the time I got back to my office.  It is even worse when i have to go to the capitol which is every day and sometimes several times a day.  I feel like I need a sign that says in blinking lights "I am losing my hair because of chemo." 
There are times when all I do is stare at the floor and only glance up once in a while so that I don't run in to anything. Then there are times when I stare everyone in the eyes and just dare them to look at me weird. 
But, it is about to get worse!  On Saturday, my hair started to really fall out.  It was getting everywhere! Then today, my head started really hurting which means the hair is on its way out.  I had read on a few cancer websites to have lint rollers handy to softly help ease the hair out since it hurts super bad to have it fall out.  I thought it was weird, but boy does it work great! 
I now have a few bald spots.  Kind of funny looking actually!  So, I am pretty sure I will be bald pretty soon.  Awesome.

Rock the Race

Early Saturday morning, my girlfriends and I rocked the Sacramento "Rock the Race for a Cure."  We had our own team - the Mel Dub Crew (my nickname in college during my Alpha Phi years was Mel Dub and it has stuck around ever since!).  I am soo thankful to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family like those who did the walk, donated money to our cause, and were with us in spirit because they live to far away.  Words can't describe the pride I felt, and continue to feel, because of all of you!


 I woke up nervous that morning because 1) it would be my first outing with my newly buzzed hair and 2) I wasn't sure if I was going to be really emotional (I didn't want to be because have you seen me when I cry? Not cute.).

It was inspiring to see everyone participating in the race. I didn't cry, but I did get teary eyed at times - good thing I had my sunglasses on and no one saw!  Plus, the allergy season here in Sacramento is HORRIBLE this year - also a good coverup!  I was surprised that I didn't see more women who had hair like mine.  But, I think that was because most of them had on their pink survivor hats.  That hat did not look cute on my head, so I chose to forgo the hat and rock the buzz cut.  I did see a guy who shaved his head just on the top of his head.  Nowhere else.  Just the top.  He kind of looked like Friar Tuck!  Anyways, no one looked at me with wide yes or questioning faces because of my buzzed hair (more on that when I tell you about my first day at work with the buzz cut).  The walk was just over 3 miles and I had soo much fun.  And at the end, there were bananas, Pink Lady (of course!) apples, yogurt, water, and other snacks.

Some of us decided that we would run the race next year.  It's a goal that I am going to try really hard to keep because before I got the big BC, I had started to really enjoy running as part of my exercise regimen.  I had wanted to run the SSPCA Doggy Run this year, but that isn't happening.  Maybe next year I will do that one too!

And off it went...

On Friday, my friends, husband, and son all took a chunk of hair and cut it.  Did it bother me? Yes, but just for a couple of seconds.  Luckily, I had a couple of glasses of wine in my system, so the shock didn't really hit me until later. 


Everyone took a couple of turns cutting my hair.  At one point the only sections of hair that were long were two strands on either side of my head.  I looked like a Hasidic Jewish person.  No joke.  I think in a small way, everyone enjoyed cutting my hair.  I mean, really, who wouldn't love the opportunity to cut someone's hair and not get in trouble for doing it?!?!?!?










After that, Omar, Little O, and I went on our merry way back to our house.  We got Little O in bed and that is when the real trauma fun began!  Omar got out his hair clippers.  He started trimming my hair at the longest length possible with his clippers.  That didn't quite work.  I had really short hair, but my cowlicks and part were very apparent and looked super dorky.  So, we went down 2 more notches.  Still the cowlicks were still going in crazy directions, but my part was less visible.  It still looked super dorky.  So, down a few more notches and voila!  Perfection was achieved!  Well, as perfect as one can get with 1/2" of hair!

My hair is super dark, almost as dark as Omar's (he had shaved his hair before he did mine and our hair was mixed together on the floor of our shower!).  I have some gray hair in their too.  My ears stick out pretty nicely as well.  I haven't gotten used to the fact that my hair is this short.  I probably never will.

In all honesty, I think this has been the hardest part of my whole breast cancer journey.  I am not a vain person, but man, do I already miss my hair.

Snip, snip...buzz, buzz...

I am a little freaked out about the thought of whacking my hair off.  Just a little.  OK, honestly, a lot.

Ever since I found out that I would lose my hair due to chemo, I knew I would take matters into my own hands and whack it all off before it fell out on its own.  I don't really want to wake up one morning with my whole head of hair stuck to my pillow or falling out in fist fulls in the shower.  Too traumatic.  However, I am now having second thoughts!  What is it about losing my hair that has me freaked out?  I keep thinking that I am going to be one of the lucky ones and not lose my hair.  The odds are not in my favor. 

I have been scouring the internet trying to find out if there are people out there who haven't lost their hair.  So far, I have found one person.  One person.  Or, more accurately, one person who has the guts to post their story on the internet.  On the flip side, I have found a lot of people who have lost their hair permanently due to one of the chemo drugs I am taking.  Forever.  They even have their own website dedicated to finding others like them.  One person who didn't lose their hair vs. lots of people with permanent hair loss.  Awesome.

Statistically, I have a 77% chance of losing all my hair (23% saw drastic thinning).  I don't really know why I am second guessing myself on chopping off my hair.  It's not as if my hair makes me a girl or defines me as a person.  But, I can't help but thinking, maybe, just maybe, I won't lose my hair....

Hair today... gone tomorrow

I know, I know.  The "hair today, gone tomorrow " saying has been used by probably everyone who has lost their hair, but it made me laugh when I thought about it this morning while in the shower watching my hands fill with my hair.  Now, I don't know if it is my hair just naturally falling out, or if it is my hair falling out because of chemo.  Either way, the hair needs to stay put until my big head shaving fundraiser party on Friday!

OK, so you can tell that I am feeling a bit better today since you can tell I have my sense of humor back!  So, to celebrate that, let's discuss losing my hair!

1.  I just ran out of shampoo and conditioner!  Kind of perfect timing since I won't have hair soon, but I still need to wash and condition my hair between now and Friday.   Time to bust out all the "free" shampoo bottles from all the hotels we have stayed at over the years!  Hopefully, that will work OK!

2.  I need a new hairdryer.  Again, my hairdryer is just about ready to quit on me.  I was going to buy a new one a few months ago just to make sure I wouldn't be without one if my current one blew up on me one morning.  I never did buy that new hairdryer...guess that was a good move on my part!

3.  It takes me 20 minutes to dry my hair in the morning.  Not having to dry my hair means I can sleep an extra 20 minutes in the morning!  Enough said!   Oh, wait...that 20 minutes will probably be spent fretting over how to tie my head scarf and how to draw on my eyebrows.  Awesome, here I thought I would get some extra sleep out of all of this.  Guess not. 

4.  Summertime = bikini line.... Probably TMI, but you all know me now, I am an open book!  When they say you lose your hair, your LOSE your hair.  Thank goodness it's summertime because that means I won't have to worry about that pesky bikini line!  And no shaving my legs! Jackpot!

I am sure I will come up with some more topics regarding losing my hair but for now that is it since right now I have chemo brain and I am lucky if i can remember my own name!

Someone make it better...please

I feel like shit today.  My entire body hurts.  I am dizzy.  I am lightheaded.  My mouth hurts.  My head hurts.  My teeth hurt.  My ears hurt.  My neck hurts.  I am itchy too.  I see stars every time I stand up.  I can eat - hello grilled cheese sandwich - but I can't seem to manage to drink much of anything. 

Chemo sucks...that's all I have to say about it.

It's 5:40 am ....and it's chemo day

Is 5;40 am on the day of my first chemo treatment...and I am wide awake.  Luckily, I was able to sleep last night even though one of the side effects of one of the medicines I have to take prior to chemo is insomnia.  I forced myself not to take a nap yesterday and most of you know that is huge for me! I LOVE, LOVe, LOVE, taking naps. I get this trait from my mom!

Anyways...let the chemo games begin. I have 5 different medicines that I take to help with the side effects of chemo.  One I take the day before, the day of, and the day after. It is a steroid and nausea medicine.  Then I have another nausea medicine that I will take today and the next 72 hours after my chemo.  Then I have an anti-anxiety/nausea medicine that I have to take this morning.  Then I have another nausea medicine that I can take if none of the other meds don't work.   It's super strong...it's a tranquilizer.  Yeah, pretty sure I am going to try my hardest not to take that.  Then I have a shot that Omar gives me on days 3, 4, 5, 7, and 8.  This is to help my white blood cell count.   When I asked Omar if he would be OK giving me the shot since I don't think I have the nerves of steel needed to do it myself, his response was "wait, you mean to tell me that I get to shove a needle in you and I won't get in trouble for it? Hmmm, let me think abput that for a second...ha! Of course I'll do it!" Love him for that sense of humor!


The drug cocktail of choice for me during my chemo is a mix of Taxotere and Cytocan.  I will lose my hair.  It doesn't bother me really. When I told Omar he started looking for hats and scarves for me.  My Aunt Linda sent me a wig that she had when she went through breast cancer.  Omar, little o and I spent quite some time trying on floppy sun hats at target on Saturday!  Little o loved trying them on and making Omar try them all on as well!  It was fun and funny!  It makes me smile and giggle just thinking about the two of the trying on women's hats!  Little o's favorite was pretty blue hat that he kept saying looked like "buelos!' - little o's grandpa on Omar's side - since he likes to wear big hats while working in the garden and farm!

I continue to be amazed at how lucky I am to have Omar and liitle o.  Omar spent a big part of Saturday looking through a cancer cookbook that my good friends, Timmy and Michele, gave me after my surgery.  It is full of recipes to help cancer patients going through chemo.  Omar then spent all yesterday cooking all kinds of homemade broth, ginger ale, and who knows what else.  He is beyond awesome!  Little o is a busy, busy two year old.  He keeps my mind off of everything that is going on.  Playing cars and trains, riding his bike, playing with the water table and playing baseball keep me busy and not thinking about chemo.  He is my laughter!

But, when it is quiet and I am by myself, do I get scared? Yes.  Do I worry? Yes.  Do I cry? Sometimes.  Am I nervous?  Yes.  Am I sad? Yes.  But I feel this way mostly for Omar and little o, my family and friends.  I feel bad for them.  I worry for them. I am sad for them. I know it is hard for them. 
But, I will keep my chin up.  And rock a bald head!  (More info on that coming up later this week!)

1st week back at work....

I went back to work on Monday, April 23 and what a week it was!

On Monday, my coworker was heating up her lunch in our microwave.  I am pretty sure the microwave is from 1887.  No joke.  Anyways, she put her Lean Cuisine in and turned the microwave on. A little while later I smelled something burning. I yelled at her that I thought her food was burning and she walked over to our breakroom.  All of a sudden, she started screaming.  My other coworker and I went running toward the breakroom.   There was smoke billowing out of the microwave and filling our office.  Her lunch had caught on fire and then the microwave had caught on fire!  This is when we realized our office didn't have smoke alarms!  It's a good thing too since I know they would have gone off!  Luckily, no major damage was done...well, except for that poor microwave! 

Then on Thursday I had an encounter with a homeless woman that cracked me up.  Everyday I wear a pink ribbon that my friend, marlena, made for me to represent my struggle with breast cancer. The woman, who was homeless but just a "down on her luck" coherent type of homeless woman, stopped me to ask me what my ribbon meant.  I explained it to her and she started telling me how Loaves and Fishes (our very nice homeless shelter/transitional home center) was offering free mamograms. I told her she should do it.  I explained to her that I am 33 and have breast cancer.  Her response.... "oh i am going to go sign up right now.....wait, what? You're 33? I thought you were 18 or 19."  It made me laugh!  I almost told her she should get her eyes checked too!  She gave me a hug and told me she was going right now to sign up for the mamogram!

Blessed are those who...

Blessed are those who surround themselves with family and friends who provide love and support in trying times.

In no particular order, here is a shout-out to all those who have helped me through the past few months....

My son -  I was blessed the day I found out I was pregnant.  While there are times when he drives us bonkers (helloooo terrible twos!), the love I have for him is never ending.  Most women my age, and younger, who are facing breast cancer, chemo, and hormone therapy are given the unfortunate news that they may not be able to have children any time in the near future, if at all.  Then they have to decide what to do to preserve their fertility.   When my oncologist told me that I would be on hormone therapy for 5 years, I knew I may not be able to have another child.  I cried, but then I thought, I am one of the lucky ones since I have a child.  Yes, I would like for him to have a brother or sister in the near future, but that just isn't possible.  Maybe later....in 5 years.  For now, I am blessed to have Little O in my life.

My husband - I am pretty sure my husband knew what he was in for when he asked my dad to marry me, but I know he didn't think he was going to have to go through a cancer diagnosis so early in our life together. Somehow, I really lucked out when I married him - hello...he. cooks and does the laundry!!!  When we found out I had breast cancer, we cried for, maybe, 5 minutes.  Little o came running over to us asking us if he could watch Cars, so that was the end of that! Since then we have had our "man, this sucks" moments, but more than anything, he has been my rock.  He has listened to me go back and forth on surgery options, treatment options, and everything dealing with breast cancer.  He has given me his honest opinions, and all the love and support I could handle (there have been times when I wanted to be left alone!).  He helped with everything from getting up in the middle of the night to help me get out of my chair to take medicine, to changing my drains, to washing my butt! Without him, I do not know how I would have gotten through everything so far.  My love for him is also never ending.

My family -  My mom and dad!  My mom was able to take 2 weeks off of work to come stay with us after my surgery. She did everything for me.  We joked one day about all of her "titles" she had while staying with us - cook, cleaner, driver, flower arranger, hair dresser, dog walker, shopper, maid, servant, drain changer, you name it, she did it!.  I am sure I am leaving out some too!  I was all drugged up, so I am sure I am forgetting some of her duties!  But, most importantly, she was there with me.  I love being around my mom, so having her around was awesome.  My dad is awesome too.  He has the wisdom and strength that I needed (and so did my mom!) during this journey.  I always ask for his opinion and he gives it to me straight. Can you tell that Omar and my dad are a lot alike?!?!  Everyday my dad would send me words of encouragement to help me get through the first two weeks after surgery.  It gave me something to look forward to every morning!

My mother-in-law used her spring break to come up the week after my mom left to help us.  She did all the things my mom did!  She was there for me when I had one of my break downs and I am thankful for that.  She is a wonderful cook and we had lots of yummy homemade Mexican food! 

Aunts, uncles, brother... - my family live all over the place - colorado, texas, and missouri.  Their words of encouragement came in several forms from cards, emails, gifts, and food all sent with love.  Each one meant the world to me.

My friends - I knew my friends would be there for me during this time, but I was blown away by how much!  I had friends make meals for us and deliver them even though they lived far away!  I had some friends, near and far, who came to visit me in the hospital (truth be told, I know they were there, but I have no idea what we talked about!).  I had lots of cards sent to me.  Gift cards for meals, flowers, a duck with fake boobs and a sock monkey with fake boobs and an oakland a's bear!  One of my friends (who is a breast cancer survivor) from my previous job brought us pan dulce!  She, along with a friend from my Catholicism class (who also has breast cancer), talked with me extensively about breast cancer, treatments, surgery, and anything and everything in between.  The love and support from my friends was overwhelming.  I will never be able to thank them enough for all that they did to help me and my family. 

My dog, Ziggy - it's funny to mention him, I know, but he is a sweet little dog.  The first week I was home from the hospital he would sleep on my lap all the time!  Pretty much wherever I was, he was.  It was funny having him follow me around making sure I was OK!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this so far.  I will never be able to put into words how appreciative I am of you all.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life!

Additional things that suck....

Here are a few more things that suck about having had a double mastectomy....continued...

Washing my hair in the beginning was not something I could do.  Luckily, my mom did a wonderful job washing my hair while I hung my head over the sink in our kitchen.  Although, thinking back on it now, I don't know what got a better wash - my hair or the kitchen wall!  Water got everywhere!  Thankfully, I can kind of wash my hair myself now.  Well, kind of!

Using a pump style hand wash.  You don't realize how hard it is until you can't push the pump down because of the shooting pain in your muscles!  Same goes for using the handle to flush the toilet!

Since we are talking toilet talk...do you know how hard it is to deal with the business of going to the potty (I have a 2 year old, what can I say?!)?  It was not fun.  I could hardly twist around enough in the beginning.  Luckily, that has improved greatly!

Another thing that is difficult, door handles.  The heavy type that restaurants, hospitals, etc use.  It is easy to push the door in, but when you are trying to turn the handle to pull the door to leave, it is almost impossible because your muscles are still screaming at you from trying to wipe your butt!

And last not certainly not least....my belly sticks out further than my nonexistent boobs.

Awesome.

Top things that suck about having had a double mastectomy....

Top things that suck about having a double mastectomy, other than the obvious - having the double mastectomy!

Can't shave your under arm area....have to use an electric razor and it doesn't do the best job! Maybe I should just pretend I am on vacation from France!

Can't reach the cookies on the top shelf. I mean, really, I should have put this on the bottom shelf...or at least right next to my bed!

Not being able to sleep on my side or my stomach. It sucks.  Nothing more to say about that.  I am pretty sure I am going to be sleepless in sacramento for the time being!

Not being able to take a shower and wash myself!  Yes, I have known my husband for almost 13 years and married for almost 6 years, but it still doesn't prepare you for your husband getting down and dirty with cleaning your big ol' stinky booty!!!

Not being able to go on our adults only vacation in July!  Enough said!

And, the most important reason.....I can't pick up my little man!  I can't get him out of the bath, the crib, his car seat, nothing...it sucks, sucks, sucks.

I can, however, give him all the hugs and cuddles we both deserve and need!!

An hour and a half later....

I had my oncologist appointment on Monday at 10:45.  An hour and a half later I finally saw the doctor!

I'll keep this short on the "let's go through your medical history" details ad get to the good stuff!  She told me that the characteristcs of my cancer (who knew that every cancer has its own characttistics) make it possible to get by without having chemo!  Wait, what???? The old way of thinking is to give breast cancer patients chemo not matter what.  But with the advances in recent technology and testing, the "chemo for everyone!" thinking may be obsolete!  There is a test that helps doctors and patients determine if chemo will have any impact on their cancer coming back in the future. It is called Oncotype DX. Based on your cancers score, doctors are able to get a good idea on whether chemo outweighs the negative side effects.  I am hoping I have a low score because if I do, more than likely I won't have chemo because my recurrence % would only go down by a few % points.  If the score comes back in the middle, I will have a big decision to make. If the score comes back high, then I will have chemo.  If i do end up having chemo it will be a short cycle of once every three weeks for 12 weeks. My doctor ordered the test just to be on the safe side.  That's the good news!

Bad news is that no matter what, I will be on hormone therapy for the next 5 years.  As some of you know, Omar and I had been kicking around the idea of adding another little one to our family.  It was actually on our list of things to accomplish this year! This will no longer be the case. The moment my doctor told me I would be taking Tamoxifen i broke down crying because I knew i wouldn't be able to check off "make a baby" on the "to do" list for the year.  My doctor will give me shots over the next five years to pretty much turn my ovaries off in addition to a daily dose of Tamoxifen.  What this means is no kids for five years, if at all.  The risks of having another baby at 39+ is something I am not ready to think about.  same goes wwith adoption.  i just can't think about it right now.  not only has breast cancer taken my boobs, it's screwed up my family plan. I know that I have a beautiful little man, who i will be forever thankful for (well except for when he is in the middle of one of his infamous terrible two tantrums!), but I know he would be such a great big brother.  There are 5 1/2 years between my brother and I, and we did great growing up, but I really wanted to have my kids 3 years apart.  I guess that just isn't part of the plan.  at least for right now!


to find out more info on the Oncotype DX click here oncotype dx info

Pics from dinner

My dad drove up this weekend to pick up my mom after her two week stay to help me recover. We had a nice dinner on Saturday night (tri tip, salad, potatoes, bread, and of course, champagne!).  Here are two pics from the dinner!

Fill 'er up!!!!!

On Wednesday, I went back to see my plastic surgeon. I was hoping to get the last 2 drains out but I knew the output was still to high so I wasn't holding my breath!

I got undressed and put the gown on with the opening in the front and waited for the doctor. He came in looked at my chart with my output from my drains and told me I am doing too much with my arms and to stop or else the drains will never come out! He gets my sense of humor!  But message received, kind of. It's harder than you think to sit around and do nothing!  Anyways, he tells me to take the gown off so he can take a look. What's funny is before I was all embarrassed by having a doctor look at my boobs.  Now, after this process, it doesn't phase me one bit!!  He said I am healing up well and took off the steristrips on both incisions. Then he told me it was time for my first fill up!  I laughed, of course!

So this is how it works when you get a fill up.  The doctor uses a magnet to find the port in the tissue expander. The port is where he fills the expander. After finding the port, he then has to sterilize and sterilize again the skin.  After he sterilizes the skin, you can't lift your arms above your boobs or he has to sterlize the skin again. This is to prevent germs from falling off my arms and onto my boobs. Once my boobs are sterilzed he puts a super small needle into my boob and through the port and starts the fill up process.

So during my first fill up, all I could say over and over and over again was "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" I was freaking out....just a little bit!!!  As most of you know, I am a very animated person. I use my hands alot to emphasize my words. The first boob that was filled I was very good not to wave my hands everywhere as I was yelling OMG over and over. This was only because the MA was holding my hands as the doc filled my boob up! My doc and MA thought i was so funny!  They laughed and laughed and told me i was the funnest patient they had!  The second boob I got all OMG again and I almost raised my hand too high. I got in trouble. Anyways, I got a whopping 70cc of saline in each tissue expander!!  I was quite proud of myself!  Now, you are probably wondering if it hurt.  Nope, at least not at that moment. Later that night, I could barely move it hurt so bad!  But it is worth it.  You wanna know why?!?!  Because now I have little bitty baby boobies!!!!!!!

"It's better than i thought"

"Its better than I thought."  Those were the first words out of my surgeon's mouth when I talked to her yesterday afternoon (and p.s. she interrupted my afternoon nap so I was a little grumpy, so good thing she had good news or else I would have been super grumpy!).

Let me back track to Monday when I went to see her for my first post-op appointment. At that time she did not have my final pathology report but she had been communicating with the technician about my results. They both were thinking that all of the 4 spots they found prior to my surgery (1 was biopsied, the other 3 were not) were all connected in 1 big cancer cluster. If this were the case, which is what the tech and the surgeon were thinking, it would make the cancerous tumor over 5cm which would mean radiation and chemo. I was a bit bummed, but knew we didn't know anything 100% .

So, when the surgeon called yesterday, I was prepared for the worst. She surprised me when she said, "its better than I thought".  Turns out the main tumor, the one that was biopsied prior to surgery, is (or I guess was since it's no longer with us!) 3.2 cm.  The other spots were all ductal carcinoma in situ and were not connected to the main tumor.   Ductal carcinoma in situ is cancer that hasn't become invasive, or spread, yet.  I also did not have any lymph nodes envolvement.  The right boob was clear of cancer as well. All in all, better news than I was expecting! 

The surgeon has staged me at stage 2a, grade 2.  This means that tumor is larger than 2cm but does not include lymph nodes.  Grade 2 means that the cells look more abnormal and are growing slightly faster than normal boob cells. 

My surgeon is not recommending radiation, but did request I see the oncologist. She still believes that the oncologist will recommend I have chemo, but you never know, maybe I will be one of the few lucky ones who won't have to have it!

pics from surgery day!!!

who knew a blue hair net would look so fashionable on me?!?!?!?

  Two thumbs up before surgery!!!!

  Barely able to make one thumb down after surgery!!!

Permission granted...

Since my mom has given me permission to use all the bad words I want given the situation I am in, I feel it is in my best interest to go for it. So here I go.... I feel like absolute shit today. No joke. This morning I went with my mom to take lil o to school because he was having an epic two year old meltdown demanding I do everything for him. While it was nice to get out of the house, I am paying for it dearly. I came home and slept for over three hours and woke up feeling like I was run over by a bus. And to make matters worse, not only do I feel like shit, I haven't gone poop since last Thursday.  How shitty is that? 

Home...home on the range!!!!

I made it home yesterday after a gruelling couple of days in the hospital.  The docs couldn't figure out what combo of drugs would work for me.  Finally, they sent me home with percoset and it works really well. 

I was visited by several of my friends in the hospital - Lindsay, steph, Julie Ann and Suzanne. I remember them coming to visit. What we talked about is a complete mystery!!!  Once I got home on Sunday I had a few more visitors, lindsay, mel c, and jen, who were kind enough to bring us dinner.  Yummy! 

I have found that if I try to do much it wears me down pretty quick and then get sick to my stomach. Cant do too much but I did get my hair washed!  I had my head hanging over the sink while my mom washed my hair!!!

I am so happy that we got a lazy-boy when I was pregnant with little o. Yes, I used it alot to rock him, but now I can use it to sleep in and relax in!!!

Pics from the preop room!!!

Waiting and waiting.....

Still in the preop room...I got bumped out of my operating room and oh boy was my surgeon ticked off. Pretty sure she yelled at a bunch of people.  So we are just hanging out watching law and order svu. Awesome.

On another note, my stomach is growling. And if anyone could bring me a drink, that would be great!  A Cosmo sounds pretty yummy right about now.  Omar will take a scotch and soda.  My mom will take a glass of Champaign. Preferably chandon!  :-)

At the hospital waiting to go into the surgery room. Nuclear medicine appointment was interesting.  My boob is glowing now!!!!

Things to get done before surgery....

1. Get a pedicure - It is a must to have pretty toes while laying on the operating table; however, something tells me the surgeon won't be looking at my toes!  But, to be on the safe side, I should get one especially since I haven't had a pedicure since Christmas.  The red nail polish is starting to look kinda shabby.

2. Get a massage - no real reason other than I haven't had one since Maui back in July 2011.

3. Get a haircut - I know, I know!  If I end up having chemo it won't matter what my hair looks like, but it goes with getting a pedicure - I should try and look nice on the operating table.  I am drawing the line on getting my highlights done, because there is no reason to spend $150 on my hair that is probably going to fall out anyway.  A $10 haircut, well now that is a different story! 

4.  Make some casseroles and freeze them - That is just plain dumb.  We all know I don't cook.  I will just wait for the Tater Tot Casserole I know my best friend is already planning on bringing over after surgery.  It's really good, even though it has Cream of Mushroom soup in it and I don't like mushrooms!

5.  Clean the car - Random, I know, but my car is pretty dirty inside and out.  My dad would be soo ashamed to see a car this way.  But, I also have a 2 year old.  I don't have the time or the energy to drag my butt outside, move the car out of the garage, fill a bucket with water and soap, scrub my car, rinse it off, dry it, vacuum it, clean the windows, etc.  I will pay someone to do it for me.  As my dad would say, I am a true California girl!



Maui 2011

Cabo 2010

Pick a good one!

Over the past few weeks I have received several cards wishing me well on this roller coaster journey called boob cancer.  I had to share with you my favorite one thus far!  It is from my dear friend Julie Ann, and she totally gets me!  I laughed so hard, I almost peed in my pants!

So, how am I going to deal with this boob cancer?

Hmmm...throwing poop might be fun, a little messy, but I can handle it!  But it begs the question...how should I go about getting poop?  I really don't want to dig around in the toilet for mine (ew, gross)... Oh, I know...I have a dog and a 2 year old, so I should be able to scrounge some up!!!  Who wants to join me?!?!?!

"Bueller?...Bueller?...Bueller?..."

B Day

Well, the big B (boob) day has been scheduled. I will be going in for surgery on March 16th. They haven't given me a specific time yet because they have to schedule my nuclear medicine appointment firtst... yuu heard me right, I said nuclear medicine. I know my doctors and I are trying to hit this breast cancer with everything we have, but a nuclear bomb in my boob...really?  Really? 

No, not really! But doesn't it sound like I am having some sort of top secret spy mission on my boob?  I will fully admit that we did watch the movie, Cars 2, tonight with Little O. I may just be thinking that I am Finn McMissile or Holey Shiftwell (they were secret spies for England.  Oh, just watch the moviel It is a pretty cool movie!.  I will have a nuclear medicine appointment so that the doctor can inject some nuclear stuff into my boob cancer spot so they can determine which of my lymph nodes is the first, or sentinel, lymph node. The dye will drain from the cancer into the sentinel lymph node and then the doctor will remove only that lymph node to have pathology test it to determine if the cancer has spread. Awesome.

The surgery should take around 4 hours. I will have one boob taken off and then the next. But, then the real magic begins...new boobs here I come!!!

"I love a big rack"...

On Friday, I had my surgical and plastic surgery consultations.  My husband, always the funny man, decided to wear this shirt.  In case you can't read what the shirt says, I will tell you.  "I Love a Big Rack!"  He says he didn't realize the irony in wearing this shirt and the boob doctor appointments I had...and I actually think he had no clue when he was putting it on!  I asked him if this was a hint for the plastic surgeon!  "Maybe!" 

Anyways, I met both of the my surgeons and really, really like them both (the plastic surgeon thought Omar's shirt was funny, so how could I not like him!  Plus he had an east coast Jersey Shore accent!).  I got lucky in that my surgeon is the most sought after breast surgeon in my area, and my plastic surgeon is the chief of plastic surgery.  My surgeon believes that a mastectomy is the best option for me.  My plastic surgeon believes that I am a good candidate for immediate reconstruction. I will have expanders placed and will slowly stretch my skin through weekly saline injections into the expanders.  At a later time, I will undergo another surgery to have my "real" boobs put in!

No word yet on radiation or chemotherapy.  The plastic surgeon is hoping I won't need radiation because that will either really speed up my stretching (6 weeks instead of gradually over a longer period of time) or stop the stretching until after radiation.  The surgeon thinks chemo will be recommended since I am so young.  The treatment plan won't be decided until after the final pathology results after my surgery. 

I have decided to take my boobs (life) into my own hands and will undergo a double mastectomy.  It was a hard decision, but one that Omar and I feel is the right decision.  The recovery is going to be a bitch, but at least I will get some nice, new boobs out of it!!!!

How to do a Breast Self Exam

This information is courtesy of Cancer.org

"Breast awareness and self exam

Beginning in their 20s, women should be told about the benefits and limitations of breast self-exam (BSE). Women should know how their breasts normally look and feel and report any new breast changes to a health professional as soon as they are found. Finding a breast change does not necessarily mean there is a cancer.
A woman can notice changes by being aware of how her breasts normally look and feel and by feeling her breasts for changes (breast awareness), or by choosing to use a step-by-step approach (see below) and using a specific schedule to examine her breasts.

If you choose to do BSE, the information below is a step-by-step approach for the exam. The best time for a woman to examine her breasts is when the breasts are not tender or swollen. Women who examine their breasts should have their technique reviewed during their periodic health exams by their health care professional.

Women with breast implants can do BSE, too. It may be helpful to have the surgeon help identify the edges of the implant so that you know what you are feeling. There is some thought that the implants push out the breast tissue and may actually make it easier to examine. Women who are pregnant or breast-feeding can also choose to examine their breasts regularly.

It is acceptable for women to choose not to do BSE or to do BSE once in a while. Women who choose not to do BSE should still be aware of the normal look and feel of their breasts and report any changes to their doctor right away.

How to examine your breasts

• Lie down and place your right arm behind your head. The exam is done while lying down, not standing up. This is because when lying down the breast tissue spreads evenly over the chest wall and is as thin as possible, making it much easier to feel all the breast tissue.
• Use the finger pads of the 3 middle fingers on your left hand to feel for lumps in the right breast. Use overlapping dime-sized circular motions of the finger pads to feel the breast tissue.

• Use 3 different levels of pressure to feel all the breast tissue. Light pressure is needed to feel the tissue closest to the skin; medium pressure to feel a little deeper; and firm pressure to feel the tissue closest to the chest and ribs. It is normal to feel a firm ridge in the lower curve of each breast, but you should tell your doctor if you feel anything else out of the ordinary. If you're not sure how hard to press, talk with your doctor or nurse. Use each pressure level to feel the breast tissue before moving on to the next spot.
• Move around the breast in an up and down pattern starting at an imaginary line drawn straight down your side from the underarm and moving across the breast to the middle of the chest bone (sternum or breastbone). Be sure to check the entire breast area going down until you feel only ribs and up to the neck or collar bone (clavicle).

• There is some evidence to suggest that the up-and-down pattern (sometimes called the vertical pattern) is the most effective pattern for covering the entire breast, without missing any breast tissue.
• Repeat the exam on your left breast, putting your left arm behind your head and using the finger pads of your right hand to do the exam.
• While standing in front of a mirror with your hands pressing firmly down on your hips, look at your breasts for any changes of size, shape, contour, or dimpling, or redness or scaliness of the nipple or breast skin. (The pressing down on the hips position contracts the chest wall muscles and enhances any breast changes.)
• Examine each underarm while sitting up or standing and with your arm only slightly raised so you can easily feel in this area. Raising your arm straight up tightens the tissue in this area and makes it harder to examine.

This procedure for doing breast self exam is different from previous recommendations. These changes represent an extensive review of the medical literature and input from an expert advisory group. There is evidence that this position (lying down), the area felt, pattern of coverage of the breast, and use of different amounts of pressure increase a woman's ability to find abnormal areas."

A visit from the parents...

My parents came up from home to visit us in good ol' Sactown.  I always love when my parents come to visit because we always have soo much fun!  Drinking, talking, eating, shopping, golfing....what more could I ask for?!?!?!?!

Well, I am glad that you asked!  As many of you know, one of my (and my mom's) favorite past times is shopping (the other being pedicures, which we also did and got super sparkly toes!).  Well, on Saturday my mom and I went shopping.  I was looking for a big honkin' purse to carry all of my breast cancer stuff (notebook for taking notes, planner, and accordion file to keep receipts, etc).  Shopping for purses is just about as awesome as shopping for shoes (we bought some shoes too!)!!!  And when I say awesome, I mean it in the super cool way!

I should probably explain our love of purses in a better way....

Back in early 2009, my mom was my date to my friend, Mercy's wedding in Las Vegas (Omar couldn't go because he was teaching the next generation).  Anyways, we stayed at the Palazzo Hotel which connected to one of those nice shopping areas.  We happened to find the Michael Kors purse store.  We just wanted to go in and look around.  Seriously, we really only wanted to look.  Well, you know what happened?!?!?  We found purses that we just had to have, of course!  It was my first super expensive purse and it was blue!  I was soo excited that I had the sales associate take a picture of my mom and I with our new purses! 

Now, back to this past Saturday at Arden Fair mall in Sacramento.  My mom thought we should look in the Coach store for a big ol' honkin' purse.  I just wanted to look at Macy''s.  We walked into the store just to look around.  I found a purse that I wanted to look at.  It was just the right size, a pretty pink/coral color (perfect since pink now has to be my new fave color), but wow..the price not soo much.  But the guy who gave it to me to look at said, "If I give you $100 off would you buy it?"  Yup, I sure would.  Then he went and got the matching wallet too.  When he came back I was telling my mom, "I totally deserve this purse!"  The guy asked me why...my mom and I looked at each other and looked at the guy again.  "I have breast cancer," I said. The guy looked at me stunned (this is the reaction that I am trying to get used to).  We all started crying.  Embarassing.  But, I did get the purse and the wallet.  But, the guy also gave me a coach key chain too! 

Would you like to know what my husband's reaction was?  "If he was willing to give you $100 off, you should have held out for more!"  Oh, Omar!  Actually, he's probably right!!!

Wait...what??? I have a what, where???

I had my first MRI last week (see previous post on putting my boobs through 2 holes in a table!). I got the results and while I was prepared for the doctor finding more possible cancer spots, I wasn't prepared for what they told me next.
While they were checking out my boobs, they also happened to look at other organs in the same vicinity.  They found a spot on my liver.  Wait...what?  I have a what on my what?  According the doctor, I have a hepatic spot on my liver?  Weren't they supposed to be checking out my boobs, not my liver and other organs?  I kinda freaked out.  The doctor told me that since I had cancer, they would have to check my liver out "just in case."  Again...wait...what?  Oh crap.  Wouldn't that just be my luck?  What else could go wrong?  Never mind.

So, the doctor recommended a double ultrasound of my boobs (they found some more spots in my left boob and one spot in my right boob), and an ultrasound of my liver.  No joke. 

Long story short...my liver is a-ok!  I am back to drinking heavily just to make up for the 2 days I didn't drink for fear my liver was as shot as my boobs are!

Next up...double ultrasound!

Wait...you want me to put my boobs where?????

I had a MRI on Tuesday...it was awesome.  I am  not sure exactly what I thought I was getting myself into, but there were several things that I was NOT prepared for.

After I filled out the paperwork I changed into those beautiful gowns - one to open in the back and the other to open in the front.  Super cute.  Then the MRI tech had me crawl up onto a bed.  He happily said, "Let's put the IV in your right arm!"  Ummmm, what?  I did not have any idea that I was going to have an IV which would allow a bunch of glow-in-the-dark medicine to  make its way through my veins to my boobs.  If I had known this, I would not have gone out drinking the day before (I had the day off!) and made sure I drank enough water so that he wouldn't have to dig around in my arm.  Oh well, you live and you learn, right?!?!?

Then I walked over to the MRI machine.  Now, I don't know about you, but when I think of a MRI, I imagine laying on my back.  Oh no....not when you have to have a MRI for your boobs.  Instead, you get to lay on your tummy with your boobs hangin' through these two holes in the table.  No joke.  Not only are my boobs going to be glowin in the dark, but they were just flappin' in the wind.

Then they didn't even have music for me to listen to while I layed there for 40 minutes.  Oh, no.  I got these 1980's style tie-dyed ear plugs.  Awesome. 

Then the "ride" began (I  felt like I was on the Superman roller coaster at Great America in SoCal).  The table rolled back into the MRI machine and it started making this noise that sounded like a really, really awful rave.  I thought I was going to go crazy.

But, the roller coaster came to a screeching halt.  I climbed off the table feeling quite proud that I hadn't thrown up!  Score two points for me!  Plus, no more glow-in-the-dark boobs flappin' in wind! 

You have to have a sense of humor...

Most of you know that I am a pretty big goof ball.  I love making people laugh, especially in uncomfortable situations.  My sorority sisters could tell you many stories, but one in particular always sticks out in everyones mind.  I won't go into details since it's top secret sorority stuff, but I will say that to break the tension in the room, I sat on our coffee table and spun around on my butt.  It made everyone laugh and shake their heads (probably trying to figure out who in their right mind would ask me to join our sorority!).  But, more importantly, it helped everyone relax about the situation.

As you follow my blog, you will probably become very aware of the sarcasm and dry humor that will fill my posts.  I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself and my situation.  Yes, it's breast cancer, but guess what?  I've been working out, so my muscles are pretty big and strong (not really, but I can pretend, right?!?) and I am going to kick breast cancers ass!

Laughter is the best medicine, right?!?!?!?

And the journey begins...

My journey begins with my sister-in-law.  In late 2011, my sister-in-law, Misty, found a lump in her boob (fyi, I will always refer to a breast as a boob since the word boob makes me kind of giggle!). She waited it out to see if it would go away and when it didn't, she made an appointment to see her doctor.  Her doctor recommended a mammogram and ultrasound.  The doctors were unsure of what the lump was exactly and scheduled her for a boob biopsy.  Misty was freaking out.  My mom was freaking out.  I was freaking out.  Everyone was freaking out.  We (the girls) all thought for sure the biopsy was going to come back as breast cancer.  The others (the boys) felt it was best to wait and see before we started going off the deep end.  Misty had her biopsy on Thursday, January 12 and found out on Friday, January 13 that she did not have breast cancer.  She has a fibroadenoma which are common in young women our age.  We were all super happy.

On Monday, January 16, I found a lump in my left boob.  Misty had sent me an email encouraging me to do a self exam of my boobs.  I don't know about other girls my age, but I can honestly say I didn't check my boobs as often as you are supposed to and when I did actually get around to it, I did a half ass job.  So, I thought I should put some time and effort into and what did I find?  Yup, a lump in my left boob. But, since we had just gone through Misty's experience, I thought it would be wise to have a professional take a look, or actually cop a feel! So, on Tuesday, January 24th, I walked in to see my Nurse Practitioner.  She felt the lump right away.  She suggested I should have a mammogram and an ultrasound.  I walked over to the Imaging Department to see when I could get them scheduled and much to my surprise they had appointments available on Thursday. 

Thursday rolled around and off I went to have my first mammogram.  I was scared and nervous especially when no one in the Imaging Department was my age.  I had the mammogram and holy crap, it hurt...bad...really...really...bad.  I had 3 images on my right boob and 6 on my left boob.  I really thought my boobs were going to explode.  The nurse assured me that would not happen.  After the mammogram, I went down the hall to have the ultrasound.  I was not looking forward to the cold gel (like the kind that was used for my ultrasounds while I was pregnant) being squeezed on to my boob, but how awesome was it when the gel was a nice warm temperature?  It was awesome!  The lump showed up on the ultrasound, but unfortunately the doctor who looked at the lump could not determine what the lump was and recommended a biopsy.  I had the biopsy scheduled for Thursday, February 2.

Omar and I arrived at the Imaging Department at 8am on Thursday, February 2.  I was scared, but being me, was trying not to show it.  I was trying to be strong.  The nurse came to get me to start the prep for the biopsy.  I started crying.  The procedure started and the nurses and doctor were all trying to keep my mind off of the procedure by asking me questions about my husband, my child, my birthing experience, and a bunch of random questions.  It made me laugh, but I couldn't help but stare at the lump on the screen as they took samples of it to send to the lab for testing.  I think deep down I knew then that I had breast cancer. 

After the procedure, I had to wait until Tuesday, February 7 between 5pm and 8pm to find out the results of the biopsy.  I tried to stay positive about everything, but I just knew it wasn't going to be good.  At 6:30pm, as I was on my way home from the gym, my doctor called me to tell me the results of the biopsy.  I safely pulled over to the side of the road since you can't legally drive and talk on the phone!  She told me the lump had come back positive.  She believes that it was caught early.  The doctor said I should thank my sister-in-law until the cows come home because if I hadn't found the lump when I did, in 6 months when the lump would have become very noticeable, it would have been a totally different story.

I have invasibe lobular breast cancer.  I will have surgery.  I will have some form of treatment.  But, most importantly, I will have a sense of humor.