Zombieland

I have decided to call the days after my chemo treatments zombieland.  Why, you ask?  That is exactly how I feel ... like a zombie! 

Omar and i really got into the show "walking dead" on amc.  He started watching it and then, since we only had one TV at the time, I ended up watching it by default.  And much to my surprise, I really liked it!  It is an awesome show.  Yes, its about zombies, blah, blah, blah, but it actually has a really good story line outside of the zombies.  Anyways, I decided last night that I feel like a zombie from that show after I have my chemo treatments.  I feel like I look like the zombies.  And i am pretty sure that if the zombies could feel anything, they would feel like I do after chemo!

I wonder if the producers of the show would hire me as a zombie extra?  I am available, but only for a short period of time since I only have 2 more opportunities to enter zombieland!

Chemo round two

Chemo round two is taking its toll on me. I am not too nauseous but I am definitely super tired. Even keeping my eyes open takes energy!  But, thankfully my mom is here to take care of me and my family. It's always nice to hang out with my mom! 

It's Raining hair...hallelujah! It's raining hair!

It's raining hair...hallelujah ...oh, wait...I probably shouldn't be singing hallelujah on that one, but that is the song I thought of when i started to notice my hair rainimg down!
So, just over a week ago I buzzed my hair. On Monday, I went to work rockin' the buzz cut thinking it wouldn't be that big of deal. While my coworkers weren't bothered by it since they know what is going on, boy was I wrong about everyone else.  Everyday I go walking around the capitol during my lunch hour. I went out without a hat or cover and people couldn't stop staring.  I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking.  I ended up in tears by the time I got back to my office.  It is even worse when i have to go to the capitol which is every day and sometimes several times a day.  I feel like I need a sign that says in blinking lights "I am losing my hair because of chemo." 
There are times when all I do is stare at the floor and only glance up once in a while so that I don't run in to anything. Then there are times when I stare everyone in the eyes and just dare them to look at me weird. 
But, it is about to get worse!  On Saturday, my hair started to really fall out.  It was getting everywhere! Then today, my head started really hurting which means the hair is on its way out.  I had read on a few cancer websites to have lint rollers handy to softly help ease the hair out since it hurts super bad to have it fall out.  I thought it was weird, but boy does it work great! 
I now have a few bald spots.  Kind of funny looking actually!  So, I am pretty sure I will be bald pretty soon.  Awesome.

Rock the Race

Early Saturday morning, my girlfriends and I rocked the Sacramento "Rock the Race for a Cure."  We had our own team - the Mel Dub Crew (my nickname in college during my Alpha Phi years was Mel Dub and it has stuck around ever since!).  I am soo thankful to have such wonderful and supportive friends and family like those who did the walk, donated money to our cause, and were with us in spirit because they live to far away.  Words can't describe the pride I felt, and continue to feel, because of all of you!


 I woke up nervous that morning because 1) it would be my first outing with my newly buzzed hair and 2) I wasn't sure if I was going to be really emotional (I didn't want to be because have you seen me when I cry? Not cute.).

It was inspiring to see everyone participating in the race. I didn't cry, but I did get teary eyed at times - good thing I had my sunglasses on and no one saw!  Plus, the allergy season here in Sacramento is HORRIBLE this year - also a good coverup!  I was surprised that I didn't see more women who had hair like mine.  But, I think that was because most of them had on their pink survivor hats.  That hat did not look cute on my head, so I chose to forgo the hat and rock the buzz cut.  I did see a guy who shaved his head just on the top of his head.  Nowhere else.  Just the top.  He kind of looked like Friar Tuck!  Anyways, no one looked at me with wide yes or questioning faces because of my buzzed hair (more on that when I tell you about my first day at work with the buzz cut).  The walk was just over 3 miles and I had soo much fun.  And at the end, there were bananas, Pink Lady (of course!) apples, yogurt, water, and other snacks.

Some of us decided that we would run the race next year.  It's a goal that I am going to try really hard to keep because before I got the big BC, I had started to really enjoy running as part of my exercise regimen.  I had wanted to run the SSPCA Doggy Run this year, but that isn't happening.  Maybe next year I will do that one too!

And off it went...

On Friday, my friends, husband, and son all took a chunk of hair and cut it.  Did it bother me? Yes, but just for a couple of seconds.  Luckily, I had a couple of glasses of wine in my system, so the shock didn't really hit me until later. 


Everyone took a couple of turns cutting my hair.  At one point the only sections of hair that were long were two strands on either side of my head.  I looked like a Hasidic Jewish person.  No joke.  I think in a small way, everyone enjoyed cutting my hair.  I mean, really, who wouldn't love the opportunity to cut someone's hair and not get in trouble for doing it?!?!?!?










After that, Omar, Little O, and I went on our merry way back to our house.  We got Little O in bed and that is when the real trauma fun began!  Omar got out his hair clippers.  He started trimming my hair at the longest length possible with his clippers.  That didn't quite work.  I had really short hair, but my cowlicks and part were very apparent and looked super dorky.  So, we went down 2 more notches.  Still the cowlicks were still going in crazy directions, but my part was less visible.  It still looked super dorky.  So, down a few more notches and voila!  Perfection was achieved!  Well, as perfect as one can get with 1/2" of hair!

My hair is super dark, almost as dark as Omar's (he had shaved his hair before he did mine and our hair was mixed together on the floor of our shower!).  I have some gray hair in their too.  My ears stick out pretty nicely as well.  I haven't gotten used to the fact that my hair is this short.  I probably never will.

In all honesty, I think this has been the hardest part of my whole breast cancer journey.  I am not a vain person, but man, do I already miss my hair.

Snip, snip...buzz, buzz...

I am a little freaked out about the thought of whacking my hair off.  Just a little.  OK, honestly, a lot.

Ever since I found out that I would lose my hair due to chemo, I knew I would take matters into my own hands and whack it all off before it fell out on its own.  I don't really want to wake up one morning with my whole head of hair stuck to my pillow or falling out in fist fulls in the shower.  Too traumatic.  However, I am now having second thoughts!  What is it about losing my hair that has me freaked out?  I keep thinking that I am going to be one of the lucky ones and not lose my hair.  The odds are not in my favor. 

I have been scouring the internet trying to find out if there are people out there who haven't lost their hair.  So far, I have found one person.  One person.  Or, more accurately, one person who has the guts to post their story on the internet.  On the flip side, I have found a lot of people who have lost their hair permanently due to one of the chemo drugs I am taking.  Forever.  They even have their own website dedicated to finding others like them.  One person who didn't lose their hair vs. lots of people with permanent hair loss.  Awesome.

Statistically, I have a 77% chance of losing all my hair (23% saw drastic thinning).  I don't really know why I am second guessing myself on chopping off my hair.  It's not as if my hair makes me a girl or defines me as a person.  But, I can't help but thinking, maybe, just maybe, I won't lose my hair....

Hair today... gone tomorrow

I know, I know.  The "hair today, gone tomorrow " saying has been used by probably everyone who has lost their hair, but it made me laugh when I thought about it this morning while in the shower watching my hands fill with my hair.  Now, I don't know if it is my hair just naturally falling out, or if it is my hair falling out because of chemo.  Either way, the hair needs to stay put until my big head shaving fundraiser party on Friday!

OK, so you can tell that I am feeling a bit better today since you can tell I have my sense of humor back!  So, to celebrate that, let's discuss losing my hair!

1.  I just ran out of shampoo and conditioner!  Kind of perfect timing since I won't have hair soon, but I still need to wash and condition my hair between now and Friday.   Time to bust out all the "free" shampoo bottles from all the hotels we have stayed at over the years!  Hopefully, that will work OK!

2.  I need a new hairdryer.  Again, my hairdryer is just about ready to quit on me.  I was going to buy a new one a few months ago just to make sure I wouldn't be without one if my current one blew up on me one morning.  I never did buy that new hairdryer...guess that was a good move on my part!

3.  It takes me 20 minutes to dry my hair in the morning.  Not having to dry my hair means I can sleep an extra 20 minutes in the morning!  Enough said!   Oh, wait...that 20 minutes will probably be spent fretting over how to tie my head scarf and how to draw on my eyebrows.  Awesome, here I thought I would get some extra sleep out of all of this.  Guess not. 

4.  Summertime = bikini line.... Probably TMI, but you all know me now, I am an open book!  When they say you lose your hair, your LOSE your hair.  Thank goodness it's summertime because that means I won't have to worry about that pesky bikini line!  And no shaving my legs! Jackpot!

I am sure I will come up with some more topics regarding losing my hair but for now that is it since right now I have chemo brain and I am lucky if i can remember my own name!

Someone make it better...please

I feel like shit today.  My entire body hurts.  I am dizzy.  I am lightheaded.  My mouth hurts.  My head hurts.  My teeth hurt.  My ears hurt.  My neck hurts.  I am itchy too.  I see stars every time I stand up.  I can eat - hello grilled cheese sandwich - but I can't seem to manage to drink much of anything. 

Chemo sucks...that's all I have to say about it.