It's 5:40 am ....and it's chemo day

Is 5;40 am on the day of my first chemo treatment...and I am wide awake.  Luckily, I was able to sleep last night even though one of the side effects of one of the medicines I have to take prior to chemo is insomnia.  I forced myself not to take a nap yesterday and most of you know that is huge for me! I LOVE, LOVe, LOVE, taking naps. I get this trait from my mom!

Anyways...let the chemo games begin. I have 5 different medicines that I take to help with the side effects of chemo.  One I take the day before, the day of, and the day after. It is a steroid and nausea medicine.  Then I have another nausea medicine that I will take today and the next 72 hours after my chemo.  Then I have an anti-anxiety/nausea medicine that I have to take this morning.  Then I have another nausea medicine that I can take if none of the other meds don't work.   It's super strong...it's a tranquilizer.  Yeah, pretty sure I am going to try my hardest not to take that.  Then I have a shot that Omar gives me on days 3, 4, 5, 7, and 8.  This is to help my white blood cell count.   When I asked Omar if he would be OK giving me the shot since I don't think I have the nerves of steel needed to do it myself, his response was "wait, you mean to tell me that I get to shove a needle in you and I won't get in trouble for it? Hmmm, let me think abput that for a second...ha! Of course I'll do it!" Love him for that sense of humor!


The drug cocktail of choice for me during my chemo is a mix of Taxotere and Cytocan.  I will lose my hair.  It doesn't bother me really. When I told Omar he started looking for hats and scarves for me.  My Aunt Linda sent me a wig that she had when she went through breast cancer.  Omar, little o and I spent quite some time trying on floppy sun hats at target on Saturday!  Little o loved trying them on and making Omar try them all on as well!  It was fun and funny!  It makes me smile and giggle just thinking about the two of the trying on women's hats!  Little o's favorite was pretty blue hat that he kept saying looked like "buelos!' - little o's grandpa on Omar's side - since he likes to wear big hats while working in the garden and farm!

I continue to be amazed at how lucky I am to have Omar and liitle o.  Omar spent a big part of Saturday looking through a cancer cookbook that my good friends, Timmy and Michele, gave me after my surgery.  It is full of recipes to help cancer patients going through chemo.  Omar then spent all yesterday cooking all kinds of homemade broth, ginger ale, and who knows what else.  He is beyond awesome!  Little o is a busy, busy two year old.  He keeps my mind off of everything that is going on.  Playing cars and trains, riding his bike, playing with the water table and playing baseball keep me busy and not thinking about chemo.  He is my laughter!

But, when it is quiet and I am by myself, do I get scared? Yes.  Do I worry? Yes.  Do I cry? Sometimes.  Am I nervous?  Yes.  Am I sad? Yes.  But I feel this way mostly for Omar and little o, my family and friends.  I feel bad for them.  I worry for them. I am sad for them. I know it is hard for them. 
But, I will keep my chin up.  And rock a bald head!  (More info on that coming up later this week!)

1st week back at work....

I went back to work on Monday, April 23 and what a week it was!

On Monday, my coworker was heating up her lunch in our microwave.  I am pretty sure the microwave is from 1887.  No joke.  Anyways, she put her Lean Cuisine in and turned the microwave on. A little while later I smelled something burning. I yelled at her that I thought her food was burning and she walked over to our breakroom.  All of a sudden, she started screaming.  My other coworker and I went running toward the breakroom.   There was smoke billowing out of the microwave and filling our office.  Her lunch had caught on fire and then the microwave had caught on fire!  This is when we realized our office didn't have smoke alarms!  It's a good thing too since I know they would have gone off!  Luckily, no major damage was done...well, except for that poor microwave! 

Then on Thursday I had an encounter with a homeless woman that cracked me up.  Everyday I wear a pink ribbon that my friend, marlena, made for me to represent my struggle with breast cancer. The woman, who was homeless but just a "down on her luck" coherent type of homeless woman, stopped me to ask me what my ribbon meant.  I explained it to her and she started telling me how Loaves and Fishes (our very nice homeless shelter/transitional home center) was offering free mamograms. I told her she should do it.  I explained to her that I am 33 and have breast cancer.  Her response.... "oh i am going to go sign up right now.....wait, what? You're 33? I thought you were 18 or 19."  It made me laugh!  I almost told her she should get her eyes checked too!  She gave me a hug and told me she was going right now to sign up for the mamogram!

Blessed are those who...

Blessed are those who surround themselves with family and friends who provide love and support in trying times.

In no particular order, here is a shout-out to all those who have helped me through the past few months....

My son -  I was blessed the day I found out I was pregnant.  While there are times when he drives us bonkers (helloooo terrible twos!), the love I have for him is never ending.  Most women my age, and younger, who are facing breast cancer, chemo, and hormone therapy are given the unfortunate news that they may not be able to have children any time in the near future, if at all.  Then they have to decide what to do to preserve their fertility.   When my oncologist told me that I would be on hormone therapy for 5 years, I knew I may not be able to have another child.  I cried, but then I thought, I am one of the lucky ones since I have a child.  Yes, I would like for him to have a brother or sister in the near future, but that just isn't possible.  Maybe later....in 5 years.  For now, I am blessed to have Little O in my life.

My husband - I am pretty sure my husband knew what he was in for when he asked my dad to marry me, but I know he didn't think he was going to have to go through a cancer diagnosis so early in our life together. Somehow, I really lucked out when I married him - hello...he. cooks and does the laundry!!!  When we found out I had breast cancer, we cried for, maybe, 5 minutes.  Little o came running over to us asking us if he could watch Cars, so that was the end of that! Since then we have had our "man, this sucks" moments, but more than anything, he has been my rock.  He has listened to me go back and forth on surgery options, treatment options, and everything dealing with breast cancer.  He has given me his honest opinions, and all the love and support I could handle (there have been times when I wanted to be left alone!).  He helped with everything from getting up in the middle of the night to help me get out of my chair to take medicine, to changing my drains, to washing my butt! Without him, I do not know how I would have gotten through everything so far.  My love for him is also never ending.

My family -  My mom and dad!  My mom was able to take 2 weeks off of work to come stay with us after my surgery. She did everything for me.  We joked one day about all of her "titles" she had while staying with us - cook, cleaner, driver, flower arranger, hair dresser, dog walker, shopper, maid, servant, drain changer, you name it, she did it!.  I am sure I am leaving out some too!  I was all drugged up, so I am sure I am forgetting some of her duties!  But, most importantly, she was there with me.  I love being around my mom, so having her around was awesome.  My dad is awesome too.  He has the wisdom and strength that I needed (and so did my mom!) during this journey.  I always ask for his opinion and he gives it to me straight. Can you tell that Omar and my dad are a lot alike?!?!  Everyday my dad would send me words of encouragement to help me get through the first two weeks after surgery.  It gave me something to look forward to every morning!

My mother-in-law used her spring break to come up the week after my mom left to help us.  She did all the things my mom did!  She was there for me when I had one of my break downs and I am thankful for that.  She is a wonderful cook and we had lots of yummy homemade Mexican food! 

Aunts, uncles, brother... - my family live all over the place - colorado, texas, and missouri.  Their words of encouragement came in several forms from cards, emails, gifts, and food all sent with love.  Each one meant the world to me.

My friends - I knew my friends would be there for me during this time, but I was blown away by how much!  I had friends make meals for us and deliver them even though they lived far away!  I had some friends, near and far, who came to visit me in the hospital (truth be told, I know they were there, but I have no idea what we talked about!).  I had lots of cards sent to me.  Gift cards for meals, flowers, a duck with fake boobs and a sock monkey with fake boobs and an oakland a's bear!  One of my friends (who is a breast cancer survivor) from my previous job brought us pan dulce!  She, along with a friend from my Catholicism class (who also has breast cancer), talked with me extensively about breast cancer, treatments, surgery, and anything and everything in between.  The love and support from my friends was overwhelming.  I will never be able to thank them enough for all that they did to help me and my family. 

My dog, Ziggy - it's funny to mention him, I know, but he is a sweet little dog.  The first week I was home from the hospital he would sleep on my lap all the time!  Pretty much wherever I was, he was.  It was funny having him follow me around making sure I was OK!

Thank you to everyone who has helped me through this so far.  I will never be able to put into words how appreciative I am of you all.  I am truly blessed to have you in my life!

Additional things that suck....

Here are a few more things that suck about having had a double mastectomy....continued...

Washing my hair in the beginning was not something I could do.  Luckily, my mom did a wonderful job washing my hair while I hung my head over the sink in our kitchen.  Although, thinking back on it now, I don't know what got a better wash - my hair or the kitchen wall!  Water got everywhere!  Thankfully, I can kind of wash my hair myself now.  Well, kind of!

Using a pump style hand wash.  You don't realize how hard it is until you can't push the pump down because of the shooting pain in your muscles!  Same goes for using the handle to flush the toilet!

Since we are talking toilet talk...do you know how hard it is to deal with the business of going to the potty (I have a 2 year old, what can I say?!)?  It was not fun.  I could hardly twist around enough in the beginning.  Luckily, that has improved greatly!

Another thing that is difficult, door handles.  The heavy type that restaurants, hospitals, etc use.  It is easy to push the door in, but when you are trying to turn the handle to pull the door to leave, it is almost impossible because your muscles are still screaming at you from trying to wipe your butt!

And last not certainly not least....my belly sticks out further than my nonexistent boobs.

Awesome.

Top things that suck about having had a double mastectomy....

Top things that suck about having a double mastectomy, other than the obvious - having the double mastectomy!

Can't shave your under arm area....have to use an electric razor and it doesn't do the best job! Maybe I should just pretend I am on vacation from France!

Can't reach the cookies on the top shelf. I mean, really, I should have put this on the bottom shelf...or at least right next to my bed!

Not being able to sleep on my side or my stomach. It sucks.  Nothing more to say about that.  I am pretty sure I am going to be sleepless in sacramento for the time being!

Not being able to take a shower and wash myself!  Yes, I have known my husband for almost 13 years and married for almost 6 years, but it still doesn't prepare you for your husband getting down and dirty with cleaning your big ol' stinky booty!!!

Not being able to go on our adults only vacation in July!  Enough said!

And, the most important reason.....I can't pick up my little man!  I can't get him out of the bath, the crib, his car seat, nothing...it sucks, sucks, sucks.

I can, however, give him all the hugs and cuddles we both deserve and need!!

An hour and a half later....

I had my oncologist appointment on Monday at 10:45.  An hour and a half later I finally saw the doctor!

I'll keep this short on the "let's go through your medical history" details ad get to the good stuff!  She told me that the characteristcs of my cancer (who knew that every cancer has its own characttistics) make it possible to get by without having chemo!  Wait, what???? The old way of thinking is to give breast cancer patients chemo not matter what.  But with the advances in recent technology and testing, the "chemo for everyone!" thinking may be obsolete!  There is a test that helps doctors and patients determine if chemo will have any impact on their cancer coming back in the future. It is called Oncotype DX. Based on your cancers score, doctors are able to get a good idea on whether chemo outweighs the negative side effects.  I am hoping I have a low score because if I do, more than likely I won't have chemo because my recurrence % would only go down by a few % points.  If the score comes back in the middle, I will have a big decision to make. If the score comes back high, then I will have chemo.  If i do end up having chemo it will be a short cycle of once every three weeks for 12 weeks. My doctor ordered the test just to be on the safe side.  That's the good news!

Bad news is that no matter what, I will be on hormone therapy for the next 5 years.  As some of you know, Omar and I had been kicking around the idea of adding another little one to our family.  It was actually on our list of things to accomplish this year! This will no longer be the case. The moment my doctor told me I would be taking Tamoxifen i broke down crying because I knew i wouldn't be able to check off "make a baby" on the "to do" list for the year.  My doctor will give me shots over the next five years to pretty much turn my ovaries off in addition to a daily dose of Tamoxifen.  What this means is no kids for five years, if at all.  The risks of having another baby at 39+ is something I am not ready to think about.  same goes wwith adoption.  i just can't think about it right now.  not only has breast cancer taken my boobs, it's screwed up my family plan. I know that I have a beautiful little man, who i will be forever thankful for (well except for when he is in the middle of one of his infamous terrible two tantrums!), but I know he would be such a great big brother.  There are 5 1/2 years between my brother and I, and we did great growing up, but I really wanted to have my kids 3 years apart.  I guess that just isn't part of the plan.  at least for right now!


to find out more info on the Oncotype DX click here oncotype dx info

Pics from dinner

My dad drove up this weekend to pick up my mom after her two week stay to help me recover. We had a nice dinner on Saturday night (tri tip, salad, potatoes, bread, and of course, champagne!).  Here are two pics from the dinner!