October is officially here and you know what that means? Pink, pink, and more pink. Pink ribbons are everywhere. In fact, as I sit here writting this, I have a shirt on that has a pink ribbon on it. But, in some ways, all this pink just makes me sad. It brings back the memories and feelings of my diagnosis and how, in a lot of ways, I still haven't really come to terms with it.
I have said this many, many times, and I am sure I will say it many more times, but breast cancer sucks. Big time. Really, any cancer sucks. While I am over the pain and fear of sugeries and chemo, pain and fear still exist in my world. You start going crazy with thoughts of whether your constant headaches are a sign your cancer has spread and if you should get it checked (I did, and now have medicine for the headaches.). You think, should I go to the doctor, again, because of the constant cramps that feel like I am going to start my period, even though I shouldn't since I am in menopause (I did, and they don't know why I feel this way), and is it a sign my cancer has spread? You start getting paranoid that your doctors think you are a hypochondriac, when in reality, you are just scared as hell that one of these pains is going to be the end of you. I have never really expressed fear of my cancer to those around me (that's what this blog is for, right?!?). I try really hard not to show sadness or cry over my cancer. It's all such a downer, and I really try not to be a "Debbie Downer." I pull on my big-girl panties, and face the world with a smile on my face (until, of course, my big-girl panties ride up my butt, then it's more of an uncomfortable smile until I can get to the bathroom and pull them out). But, there are moments when I just can't hold it in. When even biting my tongue or digging my nails into my palm will not stop the tears from falling. I start crying and as much as I try, I can't stop the tears from slowly trickling down my cheek.
It happened a few weeks ago, and for those of you who were with me, know what I am referring to. A moment that really wasn't a big deal, led to me crying. Granted, we had just returned from a concert where I'd had a few drinks and there was a tribute to a young child who had lost their battle to cancer, so I was, understandably, a tad bit emotional. But, still, I don't like that to be the me that people see. My t-shirt that I have on today says "I am a strong, beautiful, fearless, powerful, survivor." I try my hardest to live up to that. That is who I want people to see when they look at me. I think if I were to completely, 100% lose it in front of people, the way I do in the privacy of my shower, car, or room, it would freak people out. Not only because I am an ugly crier, but also because that isn't the person they know me as. I am the girl who makes a joke out of everything. I am the girl who wants to make people laugh. I feel it is selfish of me to cry in front of people, even my husband and my parents. It's silly, I know. But, that's just me.
