I read the book, "The Fault in Our Stars," prior to it becoming a naional best seller and a big-screen movie. The book interested me because it is about a young girl with stage IV cancer and her relationships with those around her. It is an amazing book, that is difficult to read at times, but one that I recommend you read.
There is a passage from the book that when I read it, I realized that the words perfectly described why I kept my emotions in check and tried not to cry in front of people during my cancer journey. As many of you know, I rarely cried and when I did, it was usually in the shower or in the car - places where I was by myself. I pushed my emotions deep down inside of me for the sake of those around me. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to show my emotions. I dug my finger nails into my skin as hard as I could to try and distract myself from cying. It's hard to explain to people why I acted the way I did. Some people thought it was selfish. Some people thought I had gone crazy, that I wasn't dealing with reality. Maybe they were right, but maybe this passage will help them understand my actions.
"Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but A Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile."
