It's that time of year again...

October is officially here and you know what that means? Pink, pink, and more pink. Pink ribbons are everywhere. In fact, as I sit here writting this, I have a shirt on that has a pink ribbon on it. But, in some ways, all this pink just makes me sad. It brings back the memories and feelings of my diagnosis and how, in a lot of ways, I still haven't really come to terms with it.

I have said this many, many times, and I am sure I will say it many more times, but breast cancer sucks. Big time. Really, any cancer sucks. While I am over the pain and fear of sugeries and chemo, pain and fear still exist in my world. You start going crazy with thoughts of whether your constant headaches are a sign your cancer has spread and if you should get it checked (I did, and now have medicine for the headaches.). You think, should I go to the doctor, again, because of the constant cramps that feel like I am going to start my period, even though I shouldn't since I am in menopause (I did, and they don't know why I feel this way), and is it a sign my cancer has spread? You start getting paranoid that your doctors think you are a hypochondriac, when in reality, you are just scared as hell that one of these pains is going to be the end of you. I have never really expressed fear of my cancer to those around me (that's what this blog is for, right?!?). I try really hard not to show sadness or cry over my cancer. It's all such a downer, and I really try not to be a "Debbie Downer." I pull on my big-girl panties, and face the world with a smile on my face (until, of course, my big-girl panties ride up my butt, then it's more of an uncomfortable smile until I can get to the bathroom and pull them out). But, there are moments when I just can't hold it in. When even biting my tongue or digging my nails into my palm will not stop the tears from falling. I start crying and as much as I try, I can't stop the tears from slowly trickling down my cheek.

It happened a few weeks ago, and for those of you who were with me, know what I am referring to. A moment that really wasn't a big deal, led to me crying. Granted, we had just returned from a concert where I'd had a few drinks and there was a tribute to a young child who had lost their battle to cancer, so I was, understandably, a tad bit emotional. But, still, I don't like that to be the me that people see. My t-shirt that I have on today says "I am a strong, beautiful, fearless, powerful, survivor." I try my hardest to live up to that. That is who I want people to see when they look at me. I think if I were to completely, 100% lose it in front of people, the way I do in the privacy of my shower, car, or room, it would freak people out. Not only because I am an ugly crier, but also because that isn't the person they know me as. I am the girl who makes a joke out of everything. I am the girl who wants to make people laugh. I feel it is selfish of me to cry in front of people, even my husband and my parents. It's silly, I know. But, that's just me.

The Fault in Our Stars

I read the book, "The Fault in Our Stars," prior to it becoming a naional best seller and a big-screen movie. The book interested me because it is about a young girl with stage IV cancer and her relationships with those around her. It is an amazing book, that is difficult to read at times, but one that I recommend you read.

There is a passage from the book that when I read it, I realized that the words perfectly described why I kept my emotions in check and tried not to cry in front of people during my cancer journey. As many of you know, I rarely cried and when I did, it was usually in the shower or in the car - places where I was by myself. I pushed my emotions deep down inside of me for the sake of those around me. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to show my emotions. I dug my finger nails into my skin as hard as I could to try and distract myself from cying. It's hard to explain to people why I acted the way I did. Some people thought it was selfish. Some people thought I had gone crazy, that I wasn't dealing with reality. Maybe they were right, but maybe this passage will help them understand my actions.


"Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but A Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close and you look at the person who loves you and smile."